Australia's own taglines have come under the hammer in recent years. Picture: Supplied
YOU'VE gotta love the tourism tagline - the pithy, humorous slogan designed to entice you to visit a destination in just a couple of sentences.
The best ones stay etched in your memory, while a bad one can turn you off a destination before you’ve even Googled it.
When they’re good they’re very good. You’d be hard pressed to find anyone who doesn’t know the iconic "I heart New York", enticing millions to the city that never sleeps and keeping hundreds of NYC T-shirt vendors in business for the past 30 years.
Others are not so effective. Andalucia had "There’s Only One", while New South Wales used "There’s No Place Like It", which could both be as easily applied to Changi Prison or a toxic rubbish dump in Nigeria.
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A few years back Tourism Australia has the infamous "Where the bloody hell are ya?" campaign, which garnered a lot of publicity. It was initially banned in England for the use of the word "bloody".
The problem with many of the slogans is that regardless of whether they strike a chord or not, they’re not always accurate when describing the destination they’re promoting. Some bend the truth a little, while others just straight-up lie about their destination to get you to come.
With this in mind, here are some tourism taglines re-written from my travels to make them a little more like the experience you can expect.
LONDON
Tagline: See the world. Visit London
OK, I get this one. There’s a rich, cultural diversity in London and you can rub shoulders with people from all around the world within the English capital. Problem is, to get around the city, it costs the same price as actually travelling to some of those countries.
Travelcards for the tube and train cost around $10 per day, and that’s if the workers haven’t chosen to strike because their arms are too sore from turning steering wheels or pressing buttons.
Instead of going to an Irish pub in Kilburn, for example, why not save your travel money for a couple of days and fly to an Irish pub in Ireland instead?
The Truthful slogan: It Costs The World. Visit London
FRANCE
Tagline: Rendez-Vous en France
The problem with this is if you don’t understand French, you’re not going to go. Worse still, the prospective tourist might think "rendez-vous" is some kind of communicable disease which is rampant in France and choose to go to Italy instead.
However, I think this is all just part of the elitist French masterplan to eradicate all English speaking in their country.
If you’re educated and refined enough to know what it means, then you’re very welcome to come; if not, go to Mallorca.
The Truthful slogan: France: Learn Our Language or Don’t Bother Coming’
WALES
Tagline: The Big Country
This is a blatant lie. I’ve been to Wales and it’s not very big at all. You can drive to all four corners in a day, if you’re lucky with the traffic (herds of sheep blocking country roads).
Us Aussies drive the length of Wales to get a carton of milk from the convenience store, so they’re clearly taking the piss.
This is like England having the line: “It never rains here” or Scotland: “You’ll understand what the locals are saying.”
The Truthful slogan: Wales. Quite Small Really
AUSTRIA
Tagline: You’ve Arrived
Erm, no, I haven’t. I’m still at home just thinking of coming. Unless this is written on the Austrian border – and even then it’s quite likely you’re going to be visiting – it doesn’t make sense to me.
Maybe the tagline "creatives" kept drawing a blank during their brainstorming meetings and came up with this one at 5.25pm on a Friday afternoon. “That’ll do, let’s go to the pub.”
The Truthful Slogan: Austria: We Honestly Can’t Think Of A Reason You Should Come... And It’s Beer O’clock.
ICELAND
Tagline: Pure. Natural. Unspoiled. Iceland. The Way Life Should Be
Haven’t got a problem with this one, because for all intents and purposes, Iceland is a natural, unspoilt destination.
The problem is that when you think of tourism and Iceland, all that comes to mind at the moment is erupting volcanoes and clouds of ash grounding planes around the world.
Iceland’s reputation is taking a bashing for something it can’t control and has nothing to do with what there is to experience on the beautiful island.
There’s no such thing as bad publicity, so why not face the issue head on?
The Truthful slogan: Iceland - Our Volcanoes Are Screwing Up Your Travel Plans But Please Don’t Hold That Against Us
LAS VEGAS
Tagline: What Happens Here, Stays Here
The phrase is a well-worn one; a sanitised nudge and wink to the debauchery most people – mainly blokes away from their wives and girlfriends – get up to in Las Vegas.
And while The Hangover has set the bar high for guy trips to "Sin City", there’s still no denying that you can get yourself into serious amounts of trouble – marital, monetary, alcoholic – if you get caught up in all the hoopla.
"What Happens Here, Stays Here" is one of the more accurate taglines you’ll find, but it still doesn’t go far enough.
The Truthful slogan: Las Vegas: We Won’t Tell Anyone You Gambled All Your Money Away and Spent Every Night In A Strip Joint Ogling "Exotic Dancers"
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